If you find yourself dating a narcissist, there are clear signs you can spot. These signs begin early in the relationship and evolve as your relationship continues.
In this article, you will learn five clear signs that you are likely dating a narcissist.
Signs You are Potentially Dating a Narcissist
Please note that while this article is written by a therapist, this article cannot actually diagnose the person you’re dating with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Only a licensed mental health professional working with your partner is qualified to diagnose your partner.
Rather you can use this article as a guide to help you become more aware of problematic warning signs in your relationship. This awareness will help you take the necessary steps as needed to protect yourself.
Dating a Narcissist Warning Sign #1: They Come on Super Strong at First
Early on in a relationship with a narcissist, you will ironically feel like the most important person in the world to them.
It’s common for a narcissist to lay it on thick describing how they have never felt this way before, how beautiful you are, how much they love you, etc. This early intensity, of course, feels very good to receive. Everyone wants to feel special!
Of course, it’s natural to receive attention and compliments in a relationship where you are “clicking” with someone. To support yourself in discerning what’s happening in your relationship, you may want to read “Is it Love Bombing or Genuine? 4 Ways to Tell the Difference.”
Love Bombing Supports Later Narcissistic Abuse
However, coming on strong early on or love bombing, is designed to manipulate you ultimately. As you continue dating a narcissist, they will over time change to become cold, disinterested, or even cruel.
Yet when they made you feel so special early on, you may naturally question yourself when they change. You may fixate on getting them back to the “real” them that you met early on rather than setting boundaries on their mistreatment.
Related: What is Narcissistic Abuse in Relationships?
Dating a Narcissist Warning Sign #2: They Refuse to Apologize
If your partner refuses to take accountability or apologize when you share your concerns, this is problematic. This relates to a phenomenon called “narcissistic injury” in which a narcissist will act as if saying sorry is the worst thing in the world.
They may act as if or believe that if they apologize they are admitting they’re a monster. This, of course, can then change the focus to you wanting validation and an apology for how they treated you to instead comforting them for how ashamed they feel!
Blaming You for the Problems
In healthy relationships, all problems – unless it’s related to abusive behavior – are co-created. For example, if you get in a tiff about chores, you’re both responsible for contributing to the problem. This includes how you may have started the conversation, what you said, and your unhelpful judgments about the other person that get you stuck in an argument.
Related: How to Fix Relationship Problems: 4 Important Tips from a Couples Therapist
Commonly though, a narcissist will both refuse to apologize and blame you for the issues. The latter is a common factor in gaslighting.
Gaslighting You
If they’re gaslighting you, your partner may tell you that you’re the sole problem because you initially did the wrong thing. Or they may make it seem like your interpretation of their words or behaviors is wrong.
For example, if you let your partner know a comment they made about your body or intelligence hurt your feelings, they may tell you that you’re just too “sensitive.” Or they were only “joking” so you need to get over it.
Related: How to Spot the Hidden Signs Someone is Gaslighting You
Dating a Narcissist Warning Sign #3: They Pressure You Sexually
While it’s a taboo subject, sexual pressure is a common issue in relationships which is complicated by narcissism.
A narcissist often will view sex as proof of their attractiveness or your love and commitment to them. Because they see sex as a tool for their own validation rather than an expression of love together, they will often feel entitled to sex. And if you don’t want to have sex, they will see this as a personal rejection.
They may coerce you which is abusive. Or they may go into a “shame attack” in which they describe feeling deeply ugly or unattractive. Out of guilt you may then feel obligated to have sex with them.
Respect and Sex
In a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries, the ongoing right to provide consent is present. No matter how long you’ve been with someone you, or they, are never entitled to sex.
Because it’s natural to have different libidos, couples in a healthy relationship communicate openly and negotiate. For example, one partner may have sex less often typically than they prefer while the other one provides consent a little more often than they naturally desire. Or they may not have sex as often as one would prefer but when they do they take their time.
Dating a Narcissist Warning Sign #4: They Suck all the Air Out of the Room
In a healthy relationship, there is room and space for both people. At times, one person feels supported and special while the other takes the cheerleader role. Other times, the roles will reverse. It’s kind of like a tennis game with a natural sense of back and forth.
It’s never exactly 50-50 because that’s not the way human relationships work but there is a sense of balance and equity. This balance is clear when neither person feels resentful.
There is No Space for You
A narcissist will typically refuse to share this space. It can feel like the world must revolve around them – their needs, moods, etc.
Their ego demands that the attention continuously returns to them even when they hurt you. This is clear when they begin to attack themselves when they have offended you and then suddenly, you find yourself comforting them. Or they will commonly use the silent treatment to manipulate you into apologizing instead of needing to take accountability for their own actions.
Because of this lack of room and space for you, it’s natural to feel exhausted as your relationship with the narcissist continues. This lack of reciprocity is naturally draining.
Dating a Narcissist Warning Sign #4: They Suck all the Air Out of the Room
In a healthy relationship, there is room and space for both people. At times, one person feels supported and special while the other takes the cheerleader role. Other times, the roles will reverse. It’s kind of like a tennis game with a natural sense of back and forth.
It’s never exactly 50-50 because that’s not the way human relationships work but there is a sense of balance and equity. This balance is clear when neither person feels resentful.
There is No Space for You
A narcissist will typically refuse to share this space. It can feel like the world must revolve around them – their needs, moods, etc.
Their ego demands that the attention continuously returns to them even when they hurt you. This is clear when they begin to attack themselves when they have offended you and then suddenly, you find yourself comforting them. Or if they’re upset, they will commonly use the silent treatment to manipulate you into apologizing instead of needing to take accountability for their own actions.
Because of this lack of room and space for you, it’s natural to feel exhausted as your relationship with the narcissist continues. This lack of reciprocity is naturally draining.
Dating a Narcissist Warning Sign #5: You Blame Yourself
Another common sign you may be dating a narcissist is how you are treating yourself. Over time, you may start believing the lies of the narcissist that you are the problem in the relationship.
You may begin to doubt yourself and blame yourself. Or you may find yourself obsessing over how you can be “better” for your partner to keep them happy. You may think that if you can change i.e., be thinner, nicer, etc. then you can get your partner to treat you like they did in the beginning again.
You Feel Like You Don’t Know Yourself Anymore
In time, a narcissist’s abuse and how much they demand from you can make it seem like you lost yourself. This is understandable when a narcissist expects your life to revolve around them. Naturally, your sense of stability will begin to come from them. If they’re happy with you, then you can relax for a moment. Or if they are upset, you are consumed by this. Your sense of safety gets tied to their moods.
Furthermore, over time, it can feel like you are only worthy when your narcissistic partner is happy with you.
What to Do if You are Dating a Narcissist
If you see 3 or more of these signs in your relationship, take this as a warning. You can intervene now to prevent further pain.
Please also know that how the narcissist treats you is not your fault. Furthermore, your worth is not in question regardless of what your partner may say. You are inherently worthy. It’s important to begin to do healing work including addressing any trauma to find your way back to a healthy relationship with yourself and potentially with your partner.
How to Move Forward
At this point, if you believe you are dating a narcissist, you have some options:
- Communicate with your partner about your concerns if you feel comfortable,
- Set boundaries and follow through on consequences,
- Seek individual therapy to help you figure out what you need,
- Go to couple’s therapy
- End the relationship and go no contact,
- Take time to heal from narcissistic abuse
About The Author
Krystal Mazzola Wood, LMFT is a practicing relationship therapist with over a decade of experience. Currently, Krystal sees clients at her private practice, The Healthy Relationship Foundation. She has dedicated her entire career to empowering people to heal from unhealthy relationship processes. She does this by teaching the skills and tools necessary to have a life filled with healthy and loving relationships.
This passion led her to write her best-selling books and create courses. Her books, The Codependency Recovery Plan: A 5-Step Guide to Understand, Accept, and Break Free from the Codependent Cycle and The Codependency Workbook: Simple Practices for Developing and Maintaining Your Independence have helped many people heal.
Her third book, Therapy Within Reach: Setting Boundaries, will be released September, 2023.
If you have any personal dating or relationship questions, Krystal is happy to provide advice using her expertise and compassion. If you feel comfortable, feel free to leave any questions in the comments of this post. Otherwise, you may send an email to krystal@confidentlyauthentic.com or DM her on Instagram. Your name and any other identifying information will always be kept confidential.
Note: This site uses affiliate links at times. If you purchase an item through an affiliate link, this website earns a small payment.
We have also reduced the number of ads you see on the site to improve your experience. We’d really appreciate if you’d consider supporting us by purchasing through the links provided.
This support allows for the continued free support available in this blog. Thank you!