If you have just had a dream about your ex, it’s natural to be curious about the meaning of this.
While there are some dreams that have a general meaning that resonates with most people, this is more challenging for dreams about an ex. There is no definitive answer about the meaning of this dream, rather you must interpret it for yourself for true clarity.
To understanding how to accurately assess the meaning of your dream about your ex, please read on.
The Different Meanings of a Dream about an Ex
Firstly, please know that a dream about an ex doesn’t automatically mean you miss them or want to get back with them. You can be happily partnered or married and still dream about exes sometimes. This is natural!
Of course, you may miss your ex but there are lots of meanings about such a dream. To really understand what this dream means for you, it will be important to take some time to self-reflect. You may want to grab a journal and use these questions as journal prompts:
- What sorts of feelings come up when you think about your ex? These include anger, resentment, sadness, regret or embarrassment. (Look below at the Wheel of Feelings for more ideas if needed.)
- What are 3 words you’d use to describe your ex? For instance, “fun,” “unavailable,” and “moody.”
- What are 3 word you’d use to describe your relationship together? For example, “chaotic,” “exciting,” and “painful.”
- What do they represent to you? What are the sorts of memories that most stand out about your time together? For instance, maybe you loved how close you were with their family. Or you remember the relationship as having a lot of arguments.
- How do you feel about yourself based on the way you were in this relationship? You may feel embarrassed, sad or proud as a few examples.
Deciphering the Meaning of a Dream about Your Ex-Boyfriend
Your unconscious mind is communicating something with you about your current feelings and needs through this dream. And your answers to these journal prompts point you in the direction of clarity.
When you consider what they represent to you (question #4) this is very helpful at getting at the root of the meaning. Do they represent to you closeness with family for instance? Or maybe they remind you of being a teenager and in high school?
What your ex represents to you could mean your longing for more of this in your life. Maybe, for example, you were close to their family and not your own. Your dream could mean you are being called to find your own chosen family or repair ties with your own.
Or maybe they remind you of being a teenager and your dream means you want to get back in touch with your younger self. You may want to play music again, for instance, or get back to playing a sport.
When Painful Memories Come Up about the Relationship
If you noticed a lot of intense feelings like pain, regret, embarrassment, anger or resentment come up with those prompts, you may not be “over” this relationship yet. But this doesn’t mean you want to get back with your ex (unless you know you do).
If there has been trauma (wounding) based on this relationship, you will find you may have recurrent dreams about your ex.
Trauma expert, Bessel van der Kolk in the Body Keeps the Score explains, “Dreams keep replaying, recombining, and reintegrating pieces of old memories for months and even years.”
This is your body and brain’s attempt to heal the trauma.
Related: Can You Heal Trauma on Your Own? 4 Clear Steps to Heal
If You Experienced Trauma with Your Ex
As upsetting as your dreams may be about your ex (they may even be nightmares of abuse), try to have compassion for the fact that your brain is trying to heal through these dreams.
Related: 4 Practical Tips to Learn How to Be Nice to Yourself
You may want to seek therapy for support in healing your trauma to support yourself at the same time.
Related: What to Look for in a Therapist: 3 Tips by a Licensed Therapist
You may also do this exercise to help you heal if your dreams about an ex are related to trauma:
Step 1: In your journal (or anywhere) write out the dream that you had and where it ended.
Step 2: Notice that where it ended is probably painful or “unresolved” i.e., your ex caught you after chasing you.
Step 3: Rewrite the ending of your dream in your journal to find a peaceful, empowering resolution. For instance, after you ex chased you and caught you then you suddenly turned into a beautiful, large butterfly and flew away turn a magical forest where your ex could never enter.
If You are Angry at Yourself for Your Role in The Relationship
If you notice that you regret how you acted in the relationship, you may carry self-judgments that hinder you from moving forward. This is common in a traumatic toxic relationship too. You may feel you were “weak” or “dumb” for being in that relationship for instance.
If this is the case, your dream is a sign that it’s time to forgive yourself. Truly, you were doing the best you knew how to at the time for a variety of reasons. For instance, maybe you wanted to be loved so badly you were willing to tolerate mistreatment which stemmed from childhood abandonment trauma.
Refusing to forgive yourself doesn’t ease the pain you felt and it prevents you from moving forward. The past is over and you truly did your best. Learning to forgive yourself involves practicing self-compassion, giving yourself self-care, and contemplating the fact you do deserve to be forgiven. Your younger self was in pain and she doesn’t thrive with your judgment.
If You Just Miss Your Ex
If the meaning of your dream is that you still are grieving for your break-up, this is understandable. Even years later, you may think your ex was the “one who got away.” (Of course, if you can’t move on after years, I’d highly recommend you explore the parts on trauma in this article because there’s probably something still lingering for you.)
Related: A Therapist’s Best Advice for Someone Going Through a Break-Up
In this case, your dream is a sign that it’s important to keep letting yourself grieve. It’s important to keep feeling the truth of your sadness: cry when you need to and get rest. Know that this pain will subside in time and it’s only in refusing to feel your sadness i.e. numbing it with alcohol, food, or work, that it remains.
If You are Holding On to an Ex
If you have a lot of dreams about your ex and feel “haunted” by them, it’s a good idea to clear your space of their energy. One way to do this is to literally clean your home and get rid of any of their stuff (or things that make you think of them).
Also, you may have heard of the “invisible string” idea of how we get connected to our loved ones. If this idea resonates with you, then know that sometimes these strings don’t disappear just because a person does from our lives. In these cases, it’s helpful to consider cleansing your “energy.”
If you are a spiritual person, you may also contemplate doing a “cord cutting” meditation or reiki session related to your ex.
Moving Forward
Hopefully, this article provided you clarity on what your dream about your ex boyfriend means for you. Furthermore, based on this clarity, hopefully you have a good next step for your own life’s journey! Sending love!
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About The Author
Krystal Mazzola Wood, LMFT is a practicing relationship therapist and author with over a decade of experience. Currently, Krystal sees clients at her private practice, The Healthy Relationship Foundation. She has dedicated her entire career to empowering people to find their voice, deepen their ability to self-love, and improve their relationships.
Her newest book, Setting Boundaries: 100 Ways to Protect Yourself, Strengthen Your Relationships and Build the Life You Want…Starting Now! (Therapy Within Reach), gives you the tools necessary to identify, set, and stay firm with your boundaries.
Her other books, The Codependency Recovery Plan: A 5-Step Guide to Understand, Accept, and Break Free from the Codependent Cycle and The Codependency Workbook: Simple Practices for Developing and Maintaining Your Independence have helped many overcome people pleasing, self-neglect, and resentment to have a healthier relationship with themselves and others.
If you have any personal dating or relationship questions, Krystal is happy to provide advice using her expertise and compassion. If you feel comfortable, feel free to leave any questions in the comments of this post. Otherwise, you may send an email to krystal@confidentlyauthentic.com or DM her on Instagram. We will always keep your name and other identifying information confidential.
