Emotional abuse can be very sneaky – to best protect yourself it’s helpful to know clear warning signs of abuse.
Emotional Abuse Warning Signs
Emotional abuse can be hard to identify. By it’s very definition, emotional abuse is manipulative and thereby, confusing. While some behaviors are obviously abusive, emotional abuse tends to be harder to identify.
Furthermore, behaviors that may have stood out to you as red flags may become “normal” over time in an emotionally abusive relationship. This list is in not particular order of what’s most painful or damaging – it’s a compilation of red flags to be aware of to best protect yourself.
Warning Sign of Emotional Abuse #1: The Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is emotionally abusive because the goal of the person who refuses to acknowledge you or interact with you is to manipulate, control and/or retaliate.
You naturally will walk on eggshells around the person giving you the silent treatment. When you have different opinions, needs, or boundaries than this person, you will naturally second-guess them next time. You will wonder “Is it worth being ignored” if you assert yourself.
You feel increasing anxiety as you walk on eggshells. Your self-esteem deteriorates as you’re treated as if you’re not even worth basic acknowledgement.
Narcissistic Abuse and The Silent Treatment
If you’re partner pressures you to have sex and gives you the silent treatment if you say no, this is a sign of narcissistic abuse. Survivors of narcissistic abuse consistently report this.
Related: What to Do if Your Boyfriend Pressures You Sexually
The Healthy Alternative to the Silent Treatment
In a healthy relationship, it is absolutely valid if someone needs a time-out or break to process their feelings. This person though will communicate their need for space.
In a healthy relationship, people take space to protect the relationship by not doing or saying something hurtful in the moment. Thereby, taking space is a sign of love rather than rejection.
Related: Good Communication in a Relationship: A Couples Therapist Explains
During this break, they will self-soothe and cope well with their own emotions including anger and disappointment.
Then when they return, they focus on kindly and clearly communicating with you about their needs and boundaries. You do the same in a healthy relationship to understand each other. Then you compromise and negotiate to try to best meet one another’s needs.
Warning Sign of Emotional Abuse #2: Comparing You to Others or Themselves
Comparing you to others is a sign of emotional abuse. This is because the person is trying to harm you or control you with these comparisons.
For example, if your partner says something about how his friend’s wife always cooks for him, he is trying to manipulate you into doing the same. Your partner aims (probably unconsciously) to manipulate you into feeling guilty or insecure so you meet his needs or desires.
Other times, a person is taking out their own insecurities or pain in life on you. They are trying to make you feel insecure as if this will help them feel less insecure. For example, “Oh, I never struggle with my weight. I can eat whatever I want!”
Either way, this person is using you to try to feel better. An emotionally abusive person cuts you down. They prioritize their jealousies, their insecurities, and their desire to be unkind over a sense of love for you.
Of course, you will naturally feel more insecure and perhaps have a stronger inner critic because of this emotional abuse. You will also likely feel less close to this person and have less trust or connection with them. At the same time, as your self-esteem is eroded by these comparisons it becomes harder to set boundaries with this person or leave.
The Healthy Alternative to Comparing You to Others or Themselves
Healthy partners want to uplift you – not bring you down.
They see your unique beauty, light and gifts – they celebrate those and know that you are a special individual.
When you are happy, healthy, and thriving, they get to experience the ripple effects of your joy. A healthy, loving safe partner knows that by uplifting you they uplift themselves since your relationship is interdependent.
Furthermore, if they have concerns or needs they’ll tell you directly. There’s no need to indirectly communicate and harm you. Rather they could say something like, “I’m wondering if you could make us dinner a couple nights a week to help out?”
Finally, a healthy, safe person doesn’t focus on cutting anyone down – they tend to not gossip or even positively compare you to others!
Warning Sign of Emotional Abuse #3: Sarcasm, Mocking You and Hurtful “Jokes”
Similarly, a person prioritizing a cheap laugh at your expense is emotionally abusive. They are using you to feel better or to manipulate you by feeding your insecurities to cut you down so you focus on keeping them happy rather than taking care of yourself.
Also, if a person mocks your emotions, this is emotionally abusive. There are no bad or wrong emotions (only unhelpful reactions and helpful ones). You can’t help what you feel – just how you respond. Therefore, mocking your emotions is a very personal attack on your authentic self.
You will naturally feel more insecure, second-guess yourself, and question your worth when people make jokes at your expense.
The Healthy Alternative to Sarcasm, Mocking and Hurtful “Jokes”
Secure, healthy partners don’t use their humor at your expense. They know that’s not actually funny and remember, they want to uplift you not bring you down.
However, even safe people are imperfect, so if they do say something offensive inadvertently as a joke, they apologize. They don’t gaslight you saying you’re “too sensitive” or you need to learn how to take a joke.
Once they’ve apologized, they move on and don’t make that “joke” again.
They are compassionate towards your “big” emotions and give you the space to feel them (without being hurtful towards them) like a loving parent does. They are compassionate towards your pain.
Warning Sign of Emotional Abuse #4: Threatening to Leave
A partner openly questioning their commitment to you – and threatening to leave – to control you is emotionally abusive. Comments like, “I’m not sure I want to keep seeing you” or “Maybe I should just break up with you….” are emotionally abusive.
An emotionally abusive partner will act as if must make your case to prove yourself to them so they’ll give you the favor of staying with you.
This erodes your sense of safety and self-esteem making you increasingly anxious and depressed. Plus if they’re always questioning their commitment, you’ll understandably fall into people pleasing mode to keep them happy. If you have abandonment, neglect or rejection trauma, this person is exploiting these wounds by questioning their commitment to you.
Related: Healing Childhood Abandonment Trauma on Your Own
An emotionally abusive partner may also make promises such as monogamy or plans such as a date or trip and cancel them without any regard for you. If you share your upset about them breaking their commitments, an emotionally abusive person will make it out as if your hurt is an over-reaction. This is gaslighting.
The Healthy Alternative to Threatening to Leave
A safe partner is reliable, trustworthy, and consistent. If they have committed to you, they don’t threaten this commitment even when they’re mad.
If there’s something you are doing that violates their boundaries, they communicate this. And if this behavior continues, they may express they’ll need to leave the relationship. But the difference is a safe person follows through on this consequence if you choose to keep violating their boundary – it’s not an empty threat.
Finally, if a healthy person wants to end a relationship, they do without threats or mind games. Breaking up and divorce are already painful enough – they don’t add to this suffering with emotional abuse.
Warning Sign of Emotional Abuse #5: Blame-Shifting
A key sign of a toxic relationship and emotional abuse is a person who can never take responsibility for their actions. Somehow according to them you are always to blame even if they hurt you!
Related: My boyfriend yells at me but then apologizes. What should I do?
An emotionally abusive partner will portray your emotions or thoughts to their mistreatment as the fundamental problem rather than their behavior. This is a form of gaslighting as well.
The Toxic Impact of Blame-Shifting
This blame-shifting gaslights you into believing you are the problem and always wrong. This makes you walk on eggshells, constantly second-guessing your needs, wants and boundaries. This greatly serves an emotionally abusive partner because when you think you’re always the problem you’re much less likely to advocate for change in the relationship to protect yourself – thus enabling them to keep mistreating you.
Related: How to Love Yourself and Be Confident While in a Relationship: 3 Simple Steps
Blame-shifting also erodes your self-esteem. You start to think if you really are such a problem, you’ll mistakenly believe you’re lucky that anyone even someone abusive would want to be with you. This reinforces an anxious attachment style making it less and less likely you’ll have the inner confidence and strength necessary to leave a toxic relationship.
Related: How to Get Over Someone You Love – But is Toxic: 5 Steps to Heal
The Healthy Alternative to Blame-Shifting
In a healthy, safe relationship you and your partner know that while you’ll naturally disagree at times you are on the same team.
A healthy, safe partner apologizes when they’re hurtful or offensive. They can say they’re sorry and more importantly, put their actions behind their words. They don’t keep hurting you because it’s hard to change. They take genuine accountability which means they do what’s necessary to be safe, respectful and kind for you i.e., drinking less or going to therapy.
A healthy, safe partner advocates for their needs and tries to find the middle ground to respect yours. For example, maybe your partner likes golfing on the weekends. Instead of saying you are too needy or demanding if you want more time with them at home, your partner will validate this desire and compromise. This may mean that they golf every other Saturday and then spend those other Saturdays having a nice date with you.
Your needs matter and their needs matter in a safe relationship. That’s why compromise is an essential healthy relationship skill!
Warning Sign of Emotional Abuse #6: Manipulating You to Stay
Any time a partner makes empty promises or threats to get you to stay with them this is a major red flag and warning sign of emotional abuse.
If your partner promises to change i.e., to not call you names or yell but then continues this old behavior for whatever reason, this is a boundary violation. It’s unsafe when people make excuses for not respecting you time and again.
It’s also very abusive and dangerous if a partner threatens you to stay. For example, they may threaten to tell a secret you’ve told them if you leave or to hurt you or someone you love. Or they may threaten to hurt themselves. This is a major red flag that this person is not safe for you. To protect yourself, you may need to take extra steps as this is a warning sign of domestic violence. Please get the support you need – this is a wonderful resource to help you out.
The Healthy Alternative to Manipulating You to Stay
A healthy partner knows you deserve respect and safety as the bare minimum. They don’t ever threaten you. (If this happens in a relationship, it’s a major red flag and warning sign that it’s time to stop trying to make this relationship work.) This type of threatening never happens in safe relationships.
If your partner makes empty promises, remember the healthy alternative is your partner taking genuine accountability for their actions. This means that they do the hard work of changing to not keep doing the things which hurt you.
Genuine accountability is more than an apology; it’s taking conscious steps to truly change this pattern. Lying to you to get you to come back is disrespectful and emotionally abusive. They don’t do this – instead if they promise to change, they’re trustworthy and follow through.
Abuse isn’t Your Fault
Emotional abuse doesn’t occur in relationships because you are “weak,” or “not good enough.” Abuse happens because your partner is choosing to be abusive.
Even if this is only an unconscious choice, each individual is responsible for how they treat others. Furthermore, if your partner is emotionally abusive towards you, they would do this to anyone they are with – it’s not personal in this sense.
Healing from Emotional Abuse: Setting Boundaries
Learning how to set consistent, meaningful boundaries is an essential skill to heal from emotional abuse.
Being abused is not your fault and you are responsible to find ways to liberate yourself. You cannot wait for an abusive person to magically change and respect you unfortunately.
If you want to try to heal this relationship, you can do so by setting consistent effective boundaries. This gives them an opportunity to keep you in your life with the same level of closeness if they choose to respect your boundaries. You can’t change them but you give them an opportunity to respect you.
For support learning how to set effective boundaries, Setting Boundaries: 100 Ways to Protect Yourself, Strengthen Your Relationships and Build the Life You Want Starting Now, is a great place to start.
You are Courageous
It takes tremendous courage to honor the ways your relationship may be emotionally abusive. Know that just by gaining clarity on these warning signs and red flags, you are beginning to heal – even if most days feel harder than you’d like.
In time, as you gain clarity and build strength by setting boundaries in the ways that make sense for you now, you will become strong enough to take the right next steps for you to protect your peace and safety.
More Resources to Heal After Emotional Abuse
The workbook, The Toxic Relationship Recovery Workbook: Understand and Heal Attachment Wounds, Reclaim Your Confidence, and Build the Healthy Relationships You Deserve, supports you in healing from toxic patterns. Someone’s choice to abuse you, again, is never your fault – and you can be empowered to break free regardless of others’ choices. This workbook helps with this process.
This website has a robust resource library as well. Going through these articles, and implementing these skills, provides you access to free expert advice (from a relationship therapist with over 15 years of clinical experience and the author of 4 books on cultivating healthy relationships).
If you are ready to break free from these toxic patterns once and for all, and want a personalized guide, you are invited to apply for the private 6-Month Secure Attachment System I offer here.
At Confidently Authentic, we are committed to genuine human connection. These articles are always written by a human being.
Note: Some book links on this site may be affiliate links. I only share books I genuinely reference and find valuable for understanding and integrating healing concepts.
