Learning how to assess your and other’s attachment style can be tricky. In this article, you will learn a fun activity to help you become an expert in assessing people’s attachment style in no time!
Assessment and Attachment Styles
When you are aware of the four different attachment styles and can efficiently identify them, you are better equipped to attract and maintain a healthy relationship.
Related: Understanding the Theory of Attachment for Better Relationships
There are four attachment styles which explain how people form, and maintain, close relationships. These attachment styles are:
- Anxious,
- Avoidant,
- Anxious-Avoidant, and
- Secure
Assessing Your Own Attachment Style
Typically, it’s pretty easy and intuitive to identify your own attachment style. Honestly, you may not even need to take a quiz.
Here’s a quick cheat sheet for assessing your own attachment style:
- If you fear abandonment and rejection and tend to people please as a result, you likely have an anxious attachment style.
- If you fear intimacy and closeness but trust in your ability to attract others, you’re avoidant most likely.
- If you both fear abandonment but then if you get “too close” to someone you get overwhelmed or feel suffocated, most likely you have an anxious-avoidant attachment style.
- If you believe in your worth and naturally, tend to believe people can be trustworthy and reliable while being willing to be vulnerable to form a close, intimate, trusting relationship you likely have a secure attachment style.
Why Your Attachment Style Matters
Your attachment style impacts how you feel about yourself, the types of people you’re attracted to and the types of relationships you invest your energy within or not. If you have a non-secure attachment style, it’s common to act in ways that seem contradictory or self-sabotaging.
For instance, you may really want to get married one day but find yourself terrified of intimacy so you always put up walls (avoidant).
Or you may want to move away and get your degree but you’re so afraid of being single, you stay in your hometown with your high school boyfriend (anxious attachment).
If you find you self-sabotage or have inner conflict being aware of your anxious and/or avoidant urges can help you act more in control of your emotions. You can then direct your life and relationships towards your deepest wishes and desires rather than acting from a place of fear.
Related: How to Be More in Control of Your Emotions: Therapy Skills to Help
Why It Matters to Assess Someone Else’s Attachment Style
Your attachment style impacts the types of people you are attracted to as well as how you feel about yourself. Other people’s attachment style impacts their ability to have a healthy relationship with you that naturally involves commitment and healthy separation.
If someone is too anxious, they may cling to you and want constant reassurance. They may also be critical and seem like they’re never satisfied.
If someone is too avoidant, they may be unavailable and put up walls. They may be too busy to commit or you may find yourself in a “situationship” with them. An avoidant is more likely to ghost you too.
Related: Can Ghosting Cause Trauma? A Relationship Therapist Explains
A person with a non-secure attachment style is also more likely to send unhelpful mixed signals.
Knowing Someone’s Attachment Style Equips You to Take Care of Yourself
If you can assess someone’s attachment style early on, you are better equipped to be mindful of how much energy you invest into this relationship.
Additionally, if you are aware of someone’s attachment style, you are less likely to personalize how they act. For instance, if you know someone’s avoidant, you may be frustrated they are “too busy” to keep a date with you but hopefully, you won’t take this as a sign that there’s something wrong with you. After all, this is about their attachment style – not you.
You Can Learn to Assess Other People’s Attachment Style with Ease
It can seem complicated to learn how to assess other people’s attachment style easily. However, you absolutely can without any degree in psychology or a lot of effort.
This process involves really listening to what other people say and how they act. To learn how to effectively assess other people’s attachment style, practice by completing the following exercise a few different times. This will equip you to easily and efficiently understand what people are communicating about their attachment style in your personal life!
Exercise to Assess Someone Else’s Attachment Style
For this activity, you will identify a fictional character’s attachment style. This builds awareness around how a person may think, act, or speak to others from the lens of a specific attachment style. This awareness will helps you clue into when others may be acting in a non-secure way with you. This clarity helps reduce confusion, self-doubt, and personalizing how other’s act.
Step 1: Pick a character from a TV show or movie you know for greater ease with this activity. It may also be helpful to pick a main character.
Step 2: Familiarize yourself with this character again by re-watching this show or movie (or just a portion of it as you prefer, and time allows).
Step 3: As you watch the show or movie, pay attention to this character’s statements and actions. Notice how they treat others. Listen for beliefs they may have as well.
Step 4: Note behaviors that stand out to you about how they treat others, what they believe and what they say. For instance, are they obsessing with their friends about a first date they had? Or maybe they’re moving in with a partner and they are openly talking to their partner about their needs now at this stage?
Write these behaviors down while noting anything that seems like abuse as well.
Step 5: Review the descriptions previously given of anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment. Also, take a moment to review the attachment style assessment – the prompts and the type of attachment they reveal i.e., valuing consistency is secure attachment.
Step 6: Analyze the data you’ve collected on this character. What attachment style does it seem they have? Please know that assessing this may be quite challenging. Try not to get too caught up in doing this perfectly. Just try to see what seems most aligned. The goal here is to simply brainstorm what actions/statements/beliefs may reveal about a person’s attachment style to build insight into your own relationship patterns.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Example of How to Complete This Exercise
Don Draper from Mad Men
Qualities:
- He works a lot and uses work as an excuse to not be home with his wife and children.
- He appears to have an alcohol issue.
- He makes selfish choices.
- His wife wants him to open up more and he doesn’t.
- He literally pushes his wife. *abuse
- He lies.
- He cheats on his wife.
- He says, “You’re born alone, and you die alone. And this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget.”
Conclusion: All Don Draper’s traits reveal an avoidant attachment style.
Practice this exercise multiple times watching shows you already know and like. This practice helps you plant seeds to effectively assess other people’s attachment styles when you need to do so.
Note: Some book links on this site may be affiliate links. I only share books I genuinely reference and find valuable for understanding and integrating healing concepts.
At Confidently Authentic, we are committed to genuine human connection. These articles are always written by a human being.
