You can learn how to fix your relationship problems. However, the solution to your relationship problems depends on the issue itself. In this article, tips to fix 4 common relationship problems will be provided from a couple’s therapist with over a decade of experience.
Fixing Relationship Problems: Name It to Tame It
The first step to effectively solving your relationship problems is to identify what exactly is the core issue. Each relationship problem has a different set of suggestions to help you solve the core issue.
As you go through this article, please take your time to notice which core problem or problems are happening in your relationship. When you name what’s happening, then you can find your personal roadmap to healing. Also, please know it’s very common to have more than one problem in your relationship.
Relationship Problem #1: “We can’t communicate”
One of the most common problems for couples is a sense that you can’t communicate together. This typically means that neither of you feel heard and that your problems remain unresolved.
There are many reasons for poor communication. This includes communication, which is passive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive. When you don’t speak up for what you truly want this is passive communication. Of course, this makes it hard for your partner to truly know what you want or need. When you are passive-aggressive, or aggressive, you can both be unclear and overwhelm your partner which makes them stop listening to you.
To improve communication problems, there are some simple steps you can implement starting today.
How to Fix Not Being Able to Communicate
The goal of healthy communication is to be assertive instead of being aggressive, passive-aggressive, or passive. Here you are honest about what you think, feel, want, and need in a kind way. When you are assertive, you know that you don’t have the right to be mean even if you’re angry.
Instead, you communicate with integrity which has two parts: assertive speaking and active listening. Here you speak to share your truth kindly, and you listen to understand the other person’s truth more clearly.
You can learn how to speak more assertively in the article, “Good Communication in a Relationship: A Couple’s Therapist Explains.” In this article below, you will explore how to be a better listener.
How to Be a Better Communicator
Everybody, at some point, experiences personal blocks to listening. When this happens, you listen to debate, control, or change another person’s perspective. You are more interested in getting your point across rather than truly hearing the other person out. This is completely human and there’s no shame if you do this sometimes – we all do!
However, if you feel like you “can’t communicate” with your partner it’s helpful to consider if you’re giving your partner the type of attention and care you’d like them to give you when you speak.
Addressing Your Blocks to Listening
Common blocks to listening which are discussed in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook are:
- Mind reading which is assuming you know what your partner is thinking or feeling without asking (it’s also a communication problem to expect your partner to read your mind which is a core feature of passive or passive-aggressive communication),
- Rehearsing which is when you keep planning what you want to say next rather than listening to your partner, and
- Filtering which is only listening to the parts that feel important to you that your partner’s saying and ignoring the rest.
The best way to break out of these listening blocks and communicate more effectively with your partner here is to actively listen. This is when you literally repeat back what you are hearing your partner say to ensure you heard them clearly. You do this before you reply with your perspective to ensure you’re truly hearing them and communicating more effectively.
Relationship Problem #2: “We’re having the same argument over and over again.”
Another common relationship problem is to feel like you are having the same argument time and again without resolution. If you relate to this, please know that this is incredibly common. In fact, researchers discovered that more problems than not in a relationship are unsolvable. In fact, 69% of all problems in a relationship were found to be unsolvable.
This means that when you pick a partner, you pick a set of unsolvable problems.
Negotiating Effectively
There is no perfect person – instead the unsolvable problem just changes depending on your and this partner’s differences. As there are always unsolvable problems, there will always be things with your partner you can’t solve. Instead, you must learn how to negotiate around these problems effectively time and again.
To do this, you want to get clear with your partner what your unsolvable problems may be. This may, for example, be that one of you is religious while the other one is not. This will never be “solved” as you each have a right to your beliefs. Instead, you must communicate assertively and openly about your needs and compromise – over and over again. There is no fixing these unsolvable problems, yet you can learn how to communicate effectively by being assertive and actively listening.
Finding Compromise
If your partner’s religious and you’re not, for instance, you will likely need to review your needs for every important religious holiday. Maybe you compromise and go to certain religious events i.e., Church on Christmas but not every Sunday. You can use Sundays for your self-care while your partner goes to church.
Learning how to compromise around unsolvable problems requires that you radically accept these problems exist and will never just go away. You also must sometimes learn how to think creatively to find a compromise which feels right to you both. If you feel stuck in trying to negotiate around these unsolvable problems, this is a great time to seek couple’s therapy. Sometimes it’s really helpful to get an outside perspective in these situations.
Relationship Problem #3: “We get too escalated.”
Another common relationship problem is having fights that get out of control. Maybe there’s yelling, name calling, or just a lot of intensity. It’s really natural for romantic partners to trigger each other. When this happens, you may enter fight or flight which makes you feel incredibly overwhelmed and like you won’t survive if you don’t solve this problem right now.
It’s very scary and upsetting to feel this way yet, it’s understandable and solvable.
Take a Time-Out
The first step to solving escalated dramatic fights is always the same: take a time out from each other.
Even if you feel scared to take a break because you fear abandonment or you feel impatient to solve the problem, you must take this break to communicate effectively.
Once you get overwhelmed and escalated with your partner, your nervous system is activated into the sympathetic nervous system. Here is where fight or flight lives. You will want to fight with your partner (or run away) here. You stop thinking clearly because your prefrontal cortex shuts down. This means you’re much more likely to do or say things you will regret.
To interrupt this, you must take at least 10 minutes away from your partner to self-soothe. It’s only when you regulate your nervous system with self-soothing that you can effectively communicate.
Relationship Problem #3: “We get too escalated.”
Another common relationship problem is having fights that get out of control. Maybe there’s yelling, name calling, or just a lot of intensity. It’s really natural for romantic partners to trigger each other. When this happens, you may enter fight or flight which makes you feel incredibly overwhelmed and like you won’t survive if you don’t solve this problem right now.
It’s very scary and upsetting to feel this way yet, it’s understandable and solvable.
Take a Time-Out
The first step to solving escalated dramatic fights is always the same: take a time out from each other.
Even if you feel scared to take a break because you fear abandonment or you feel impatient to solve the problem, you must take this break to communicate effectively.
Once you get overwhelmed and escalated with your partner, your nervous system is activated into the sympathetic nervous system. Here is where fight or flight lives. You will want to fight with your partner (or run away) here. You stop thinking clearly because your prefrontal cortex shuts down. This means you’re much more likely to do or say things you will regret.
To interrupt this, you must take at least 10 minutes away from your partner to self-soothe. It’s only when you regulate your nervous system with self-soothing that you can effectively communicate. Your parasympathetic nervous system (which turns on when you effectively self-soothe) must be activated to assertively communicate and actively listen.
Relationship Problem #4: “I’m being blamed for all the problems.”
If you’re being blamed for all the problems in your relationship by your partner, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and confused. It makes sense you’re here trying to figure out how to solve the relationship problems.
However, in relationships problems are co-created. This means you and your partner both contribute to the relationship problems regardless of what they may be telling you. (The exception to this co-creation is abuse – you are NEVER responsible for being abused.)
To be told that you’re the reason for all your relationship problems is a form of gaslighting.
Taking Accountability
In a healthy relationship, both people take accountability for the problems. True accountability is more than just an apology – it’s genuinely making steps to change how you contribute to relationship problems.
For example, if there’s escalated fights, you take responsibility to take a break to soothe yourself no matter how righteous your anger feels. You know that just because you’re angry doesn’t mean you have the right to be unkind. You know that you are responsible for communicating effectively to protect your relationship.
Getting Support
Taking mutual accountability in a relationship where you’re receiving all the blame is complex.
In this situation, the top recommendation is to work with a couple’s therapist who specializes in narcissism. (Your partner does not need to be a narcissist to be showing signs of narcissism i.e., gaslighting).
If your partner is unwilling to seek therapy with you, then please find your own therapist who specializes in trauma as it’s wounding to be blamed for all the relationship problems. Your therapist can support you in learning how to set appropriate boundaries to protect yourself in this relationship.
Setting boundaries is one way you can change your relationship without waiting for your partner to be more respectful.
Solving Relationship Problems
In this article, 4 common relationship problems and solutions were explored. Please take the steps as recommended to help your relationship.
If none of these problems addressed the core issue in your relationship though, please feel free to email me at krystal@confidentlyauthentic.com with your concerns. You will be provided with personalized answers in an article. Your name and any other identifying information will always be kept confidential.
About The Author
Krystal Mazzola Wood, LMFT is a practicing relationship therapist with over a decade of experience. Currently, Krystal sees clients at her private practice, The Healthy Relationship Foundation. She has dedicated her entire career to empowering people to heal from unhealthy relationship processes. She does this by teaching the skills and tools necessary to have a life filled with healthy and loving relationships.
This passion led her to write her best-selling books and create courses. Her books, The Codependency Recovery Plan: A 5-Step Guide to Understand, Accept, and Break Free from the Codependent Cycle and The Codependency Workbook: Simple Practices for Developing and Maintaining Your Independence have helped many people heal.
Her third book, Therapy Within Reach: Setting Boundaries, will be released September, 2023.
If you have any personal dating or relationship questions, Krystal is happy to provide advice using her expertise and compassion. If you feel comfortable, feel free to leave any questions in the comments of this post. Otherwise, you may send an email to krystal@confidentlyauthentic.com or DM her on Instagram. Your name and any other identifying information will always be kept confidential.
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