If you are wondering how to get him to come back and commit to you, there are some things you need to consider.
Why Do You Want to Get Him to Come Back?
When you want an ex to not only come back but to commit, the first thing to consider is why. This may seem obvious at first but take a moment to really think about it. If your first thought is you want him to come back because you love him lets dig deeper.
Is it Healthy to Get Back Together and Commit to Your Ex?
When you want an ex to come back, it’s easy to think emotionally. Your feelings of love may be obscuring if getting back with your ex – let alone committing – is healthy for you.
To answer this question, lets explore a therapy tool.
Consider Your State of Mind
The core theory of Dialectical Behavior Therapy is called “States of Mind.” In this theory, all people are in one of three states of mind at any time. These three states of mind are Reasonable Mind, Emotional Mind, and Wise Mind.
Reasonable Mind is when we think with pure logic kind of like our robot mind. This is your state of mind when you are calculating your budget without any emotions. The Emotional Mind is when you think, and act, purely out of emotion. This state of mind always makes things worse like when you call your ex drunk crying or seek revenge.
Wise Mind is the goal state of mind. This is when you honor your emotions logically. You may do this by calling a friend, instead of your ex, for support as an example.
Is it Wise to Get Back with Your Ex?
It is incredibly painful to go through a breakup with someone you still want and love. Yet this pain does not necessarily mean that it’s wise (as in Wise Mind) to get back with your ex.
Sometimes, there are valid reasons the two of you broke up.
It can be painful to honor these valid reasons for your breakup but to deny this would be Emotional Mind. And Emotional Mind always intensifies your suffering and negative consequences.
Why Did You Two Breakup?
When you want your ex to come back, and commit, it’s natural to overlook why you broke up out of pain. However, to protect yourself from future sorrow, it’s important to honestly assess the reasons for your breakup.
Take a moment to pull out a piece of paper and list all the reasons you and your ex broke up. These could be reasons from your perspective. Or reasons why your ex shared the breakup was necessary. Whether you like it or not, these are valid reasons too. Writing these out on a piece of paper helps you tap into the facts.
When you pull in logic, or use your Reasonable Mind, after being in Emotional Mind you can reach Wise Mind. This is the goal state of mind in which you feel consistently stable, grounded, and mature.
Are You Compatible with Your Ex?
While it is easy to consider love and compatibility the same thing, they are not. Love is an attachment you have to another person which is warm and caring. Compatibility, on the other hand, is when two peoples’ interests, values, and vision for the future align.
There’s a popular idea when it comes to romance that “opposites attract.” However, while you may be attracted to someone who is completely different from you, research shows these relationships are less stable over time. Researcher Karl A. Pillemer, interviewed 500 couples who have been married for 40 years or more. He concluded based on these interviews:
To my surprise, their advice was nearly unanimous: Opposites may attract, but they don’t usually make for great and lasting marriages. Based on their long experiences both in and out of romantic relationships, the fundamental lesson is this: You are much more likely to have a satisfying marriage for a lifetime when you and your mate are fundamentally similar. And if you’re very different, the elders warn although that marriage can work, is likely to be much more difficult.
Do You Want the Same Things as Your Ex?
Decades of research by John Gottman have revealed there are 7 principles necessary for long-term happiness in a marriage or committed relationship. This is in addition to a strong foundation of trust and commitment. The theory for the principles of a long-term happy relationship is called the “Sound Relationship House.”
One of the 7 principles from the Sound Relationship House is to “Make Life Dreams Come True.” To accomplish this as a couple, it’s important to share a similar vision for the future. For example, if one of your life dreams is to have children but your ex doesn’t want this, this is a recipe for long-term pain and strife.
What Do You Really Need?
There’s a cliché saying that breakups happen because something was broken. When a person is in Emotional Mind, though, it’s easy to overlook this truth out of pain, love, and desire.
To get into Wise Mind after a breakup, it helps to really consider your needs. When you really love someone, it’s easy to deny, or minimize these needs. However, this breakup is an opportunity to show yourself love by considering your needs.
For long-term relationship success, it’s important to ask yourself what your non-negotiable needs are in a relationship. These are 3 things that you need, no matter what, to feel satisfied and secure in a relationship. These needs are unique and personal to you.
Love is Not Enough
One of the most painful lessons a person can learn is how “love is not enough.” You can love someone and yet, they may not meet your non-negotiable needs.
If your ex doesn’t meet your non-negotiable needs, it doesn’t matter in the long run if you get back together and commit. You will still feel unhappy.
For example, you may need commitment to be happy. A person valuing commitment runs deeper than just getting married by the way. For example, you can marry someone who doesn’t value commitment and still feel unhappy if they constantly prioritize other things like work, friends, hobbies, etc. over you and your relationship.
Commitment is more than just a ring on one’s finger.
You Can’t Make Anyone Commit to You
While you may be intensely grieving and still want your ex, unfortunately, you cannot make him come back or commit. This is a fact in life and to overlook this truth will only cause you future pain.
It’s ok, and natural, to have a fantasy of getting back with your ex. However, it’s important to honor this as emotional thinking. This is the type of thinking that creates further pain.
While it hurts to let go of this relationship, the longer you fantasize about getting back together, the longer you will stay stuck in your breakup grief. To cope Wisely currently, it’s important to practice Radical Acceptance of reality. The reality being that you do not have the right to control others and you cannot get anyone to commit to you.
Letting Go of the Fantasy
When we hold onto a fantasy of someone coming back, there could be a variety of reasons.
A part of you may, deep down, believe that your ex is the last person you will ever love or connect with intimately again. If so, this type of scarcity thinking highlights you may have anxious attachment. There is no shame in this attachment style. However, it does intensify your pain during a breakup.
To become more securely attached, you can work on practicing secure attachment to yourself and your friends. To securely attach to yourself, work on self-soothing and practice reparenting your inner child.
While your anxious attachment may trick you into a scarcity mindset, the opposite is true. Now that you and your ex have broken up, you are closer to finding someone who is truly compatible for you rather than staying stuck in a relationship which isn’t in your highest and best. And we know this relationship has some core problems because you already broke up.
Going into Withdrawal
If this is true, there is nothing wrong with you. Rather love addiction and codependency reveal that your breakup triggered trauma from your past. These issues are often rooted in trauma, especially childhood trauma.
To heal, your Emotional Mind may tell you that you just need your ex to come back and commit. However, this won’t solve the underlying issues for your distress. Instead, it will be important to find healthy ways to cope with your breakup and to seek therapy if it’s an option. If not, there are still ways you can feel more empowered and cope well even without therapy.
You Will Heal and Be OK
You may love your ex yet know, deep down, that getting back together isn’t healthy. This realization may make you feel worse right now. Yet, knowing what – and who – is aligned with your authentic best life is a win.
Take some time to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. You don’t need to get over your breakup right away. Nor do you have to force getting back with your ex.
Whether it feels this way, or not, right now this is an abundant world. On the other side of this pain is so much potential for an even healthier relationship with someone else. This is especially true if you take this time to grieve, practice self-compassion, and honor your deepest needs.
About The Author
Krystal Mazzola Wood, LMFT is a practicing relationship therapist with over a decade of experience. Currently, Krystal sees clients at her private practice, The Healthy Relationship Foundation. She has dedicated her entire career to empowering people to heal from unhealthy relationship processes. She does this by teaching the skills and tools necessary to have a life filled with healthy and loving relationships.
This passion led her to write her best-selling books and create courses. Her books, The Codependency Recovery Plan: A 5-Step Guide to Understand, Accept, and Break Free from the Codependent Cycle and The Codependency Workbook: Simple Practices for Developing and Maintaining Your Independence have helped many people heal.
She is currently working on her third book, Self-Love Made Possible: The 5-Step Guide to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy and Become Your Own Best Friend. To be notified of its release, please join the waitlist here.
Her course, Confidently Authentic: Stop People Pleasing and Start Being True to Yourself, provides the skills necessary to have a healthy relationship. This course features over a year of relationship skills you would learn in therapy. Students share this course has been “life changing.”
Each week, she answers your relationship questions from a place of expertise and compassion. To submit your relationship questions, please DM her @confidentlyauthentic.com or you may send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org to submit your question.
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