If you want to know how to make a man want to be with you, this article is for you.
Wanting to be Wanted
When you meet a man you really like, it’s natural to want him to want you.
Perhaps you have been dating casually and you want more commitment. Or maybe you are just friends, or coworkers, but you want to be more with this guy.
Finding the One
When you want a man to want to be with you, it’s common to believe that you have found the “one” for you. And maybe you just need to prove to him how perfect you are together.
If you have anxious attachment, these exciting feelings can be complicated . This type of attachment style creates a scarcity mindset in which you may think each person you connect with is your “last chance” for love.
Attachment theory explains how humans form, and maintain, close relationships. There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious, anxious-avoidant, and avoidant.
The basis of healthy, loving relationships is secure attachment. This is where you trust in your lovability and desirability. You know you are lovable and you know that you have the right to have close relationships. You also know that if a relationship doesn’t work out – or someone doesn’t want you – there are many other potential partners for you that you could be happy with.
Craving the Man You Want
An anxious attachment style, on the other hand, will often make someone cling to the person they want. Perhaps you may feel desperate to make it work with this man.
Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, authors of Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love, clarify:
“If you have an anxious attachment style, you tend to get attached very quickly, even just on the basis of physical attraction. One night of sex or even just a passionate kiss and, boom, you already can’t get that person out of your mind. As you know, once your attachment system is activated, you begin to crave the other person’s closeness and will do anything in your power to make it work even before you really get to know him/her and decide whether you like that person or not!”
Becoming Securely Attached
If you resonate with feeling like you are craving the man you want, please know you can heal and develop a secure attachment style. However, you must practice healthy relationship skills including being honest with yourself, clarifying your needs and wants, and healthy boundaries.
Wanting to be Wanted is a Boundaries Issue
When you want a man to want to be with you, this may seem like it’s about love or emotional unavailability. In reality, even if this guy does have attachment issues such as avoidance or a “fear of commitment,” this is a boundaries issue.
Healthy boundaries exist for safety, and they have two parts. The first part is that we set boundaries to protect ourselves from others. Most people are familiar with this part. The external aspect of boundaries involves the limits you need to set with others to feel respected.
Setting external boundaries is a necessary component of healthy and safe relationships. When a person respects these limits they show they are safe to keep in our lives. It also reduces unnecessary resentment or stress.
The other part of healthy boundaries are internal limits. These are the limits we set on ourselves to be safe to others and ourselves. If you don’t let yourself get drunk, or stay up too late the night before an interview this is an internal limit.
When it comes to being a safe person for other people, we must honor other people’s feelings, desires, needs, and boundaries even when we don’t like it.
This means that no matter how much you like a guy you can’t “make” him want you. Love and desire are things that a person freely gives in a safe relationship. If a man wants to be with you, and has the skills to maintain a healthy relationship, you will know. There will be no mystery, confusion, or mixed signals.
Managing Anxiety Better
It’s natural to feel anxious when you want a man to want you. You may find yourself fixated on when he last texted you for example. You may also feel anxious because you are afraid that no one else will want you if this man you want doesn’t – or that you will have to settle.
Yet, you can find healthy ways to cope with this anxiety.
Soothing Your Emotions
When you feel anxious to be wanted, rejected, or disappointed, it’s important to soothe yourself. This is a part of healthy boundaries by the way as it allows you to be safe for yourself.
You can cope with difficult emotions in a variety of ways. These strategies are your self-soothing tools and include things like deep breathing, meditation, and coloring. If you forget the things that calm you when you’re overwhelmed, you’re not alone. In fact, this is part of the fight or flight nervous system response.
You may want to download the free self-soothing skills handout I’ve created for you to remember what soothes you when you most need it.
You can download the handout here:
Trusting in Connection
It’s important to remember that if a man wants you it will be clear. And if he doesn’t there is genuinely another man out there who is certainly a better match for you.
When you find the right person for you who you can have a healthy relationship with, falling in love is natural and easy. There’s no pushing or forcing because you both want to be together.
In the meantime, before you find this connection, work on soothing yourself and building secure attachment (you do this with self-care, reparenting therapy, and investing in trustworthy relationships like with friends). The man who truly wants you back will find you in time – and you will be a better partner for learning to care for yourself and your emotions.
About The Author
Krystal Mazzola Wood, LMFT is a practicing relationship therapist with over a decade of experience. Currently, Krystal sees clients at her private practice, The Healthy Relationship Foundation. She has dedicated her entire career to empowering people to heal from unhealthy relationship processes. She does this by teaching the skills and tools necessary to have a life filled with healthy and loving relationships.
This passion led her to write her best-selling books and create courses. Her books, The Codependency Recovery Plan: A 5-Step Guide to Understand, Accept, and Break Free from the Codependent Cycle and The Codependency Workbook: Simple Practices for Developing and Maintaining Your Independence have helped many people heal.
She is currently working on her book, Self-Love Made Possible: The 5-Step Guide to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy and Become Your Own Best Friend. To be notified of its release, please join the waitlist here.
If you have any personal dating or relationship questions, Krystal is happy to provide advice using her expertise and compassion. If you feel comfortable, feel free to leave any questions in the comments of this post. Otherwise, you may send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org or DM her on Instagram.
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