How to Make a Man Want to Be With You

If you want to know how to make a man want to be with you, this article is for you. Wanting to be Wanted When…

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If you want to know how to make a man want to be with you, this article is for you.

Wanting to be Wanted

When you meet a man you really like, it’s natural to want him to want you. Perhaps you have been dating casually and you want more commitment.

Related: Dating with No Commitment: What You Need to Know

Or maybe you are just friends, or coworkers, but you want to be more with this guy. Whatever the situation, it’s natural to want to be wanted.

Finding the One

When you want a man to want to be with you, it’s common to believe that you have found the “one” for you. Maybe you feel you just need to prove to him how perfect you are together.

And yet, a sense that you need to “make” a man want to be with you reveals that you likely have an anxious attachment style. This type of attachment style creates a scarcity mindset in which you may think each person you connect with is your “last chance” for love.

Naturally then you will want to “make” this man want you rather than looking for someone who feels mutual interest with you.

Getting Attached

Attachment theory explains how humans form, and maintain, close relationships. There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious, anxious-avoidant, and avoidant.

Related: Understanding the Theory of Attachment for Better Relationships

The basis of healthy, loving relationships is secure attachment. This is where you trust in your lovability and desirability. You know you are lovable and you know that you have the right to have close relationships. You also know that if a relationship doesn’t work out – or someone doesn’t want you – there are many other potential partners for you that you could be happy with.

Craving the Man You Want

An anxious attachment style, on the other hand, will often make someone cling to the person they want. Perhaps you may feel desperate to make it work with this man.

Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, authors of Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love, clarify:

“If you have an anxious attachment style, you tend to get attached very quickly, even just on the basis of physical attraction. One night of sex or even just a passionate kiss and, boom, you already can’t get that person out of your mind. As you know, once your attachment system is activated, you begin to crave the other person’s closeness and will do anything in your power to make it work even before you really get to know him/her and decide whether you like that person or not!

how to make a man want to be with you

Becoming Securely Attached

If you resonate with feeling like you are craving the man you want, please know you can heal and develop a secure attachment style. However, you must practice healthy relationship skills including being honest with yourself, clarifying your needs and wants, and healthy boundaries.

Wanting to be Wanted is a Boundaries Issue

When you want a man to want to be with you, this may seem like it’s about love or emotional unavailability. In reality, even if this guy does have attachment issues such as avoidance or a “fear of commitment,” this is a boundaries issue.

Healthy boundaries exist for safety, and they have two parts. The first part is that we set boundaries to protect ourselves from others. Most people are familiar with this part. The external aspect of boundaries involves the limits you need to set with others to feel respected.

Setting Boundaries

Setting external boundaries is a necessary component of healthy and safe relationships. When a person respects these limits they show they are safe to keep in our lives. It also reduces unnecessary resentment or stress.

Related: What are Healthy Relationship Boundaries: A Therapist Explains

The other part of healthy boundaries are internal limits. These are the limits we set on ourselves to be safe to others and ourselves. If you don’t let yourself get drunk, or stay up too late the night before an interview this is an internal limit.

Respecting Boundaries

When it comes to being a safe person for other people, we must honor other people’s feelings, desires, needs, and boundaries even when we don’t like it.

This means that no matter how much you like a guy you can’t “make” him want you. Love and desire are things that a person freely gives in a safe relationship. If a man wants to be with you, and has the skills to maintain a healthy relationship, you will know. There will be no mystery, confusion, or mixed signals.

Managing Anxiety Better

It’s natural to feel anxious when you want a man to want you. You may find yourself fixated on when he last texted you for example. You may also feel anxious because you are afraid that no one else will want you if this man you want doesn’t – or that you will have to settle.

Related: DBT Skills for Distress Tolerance which Seriously Make Life Better

Yet, you can find healthy ways to cope with this anxiety.

Soothing Your Emotions

When you feel anxious to be wanted, rejected, or disappointed, it’s important to soothe yourself. This is a part of healthy boundaries by the way as it allows you to be safe for yourself.

You can cope with difficult emotions in a variety of ways. These strategies are your self-soothing tools and include things like deep breathing, meditation, and coloring. If you forget the things that calm you when you’re overwhelmed, you’re not alone. In fact, this is part of the fight or flight nervous system response.

You may want to download the free self-soothing skills handout I’ve created for you to remember what soothes you when you most need it.

You can download the handout here:

Trusting in Connection

It’s important to remember that if a man wants you it will be clear. And if he doesn’t there is genuinely another man out there who is certainly a better match for you.

When you find the right person for you who you can have a healthy relationship with, falling in love is natural and easy. There’s no pushing or forcing because you both want to be together.

In the meantime, before you find this connection, work on soothing yourself and building secure attachment (you do this with self-care, reparenting therapy, and investing in trustworthy relationships like with friends). The man who truly wants you back will find you in time – and you will be a better partner for learning to care for yourself and your emotions.

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About The Author

Krystal Mazzola Wood, LMFT is a practicing relationship therapist and author with over a decade of experience. Currently, Krystal sees clients at her private practice, The Healthy Relationship Foundation. She has dedicated her entire career to empowering people to find their voice, deepen their ability to self-love, and improve their relationships.

Her newest book, Setting Boundaries: 100 Ways to Protect Yourself, Strengthen Your Relationships and Build the Life You Want…Starting Now! (Therapy Within Reach), gives you the tools necessary to identify, set, and stay firm with your boundaries.

Her other books, The Codependency Recovery Plan: A 5-Step Guide to Understand, Accept, and Break Free from the Codependent Cycle and The Codependency Workbook: Simple Practices for Developing and Maintaining Your Independence have helped many overcome people pleasing, self-neglect, and resentment to have a healthier relationship with themselves and others.

If you have any personal dating or relationship questions, Krystal is happy to provide advice using her expertise and compassion. If you feel comfortable, feel free to leave any questions in the comments of this post. Otherwise, you may send an email to krystal@confidentlyauthentic.com or DM her on Instagram. We will always keep your name and other identifying information confidential.

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