Learning how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship is transformative. Knowing how to identify, set, and maintain your boundaries has the power to dramatically change your relationships. This skill can transform unhealthy relationships to healthy ones.
On the surface, it may be hard to identify just how many problems, or concerns, are tied to boundaries. Boundaries involve your sense of self-worth, communication, and intimacy to name just a few examples. In my 11 years as a relationship therapist, I have discovered that in one way or another, every single client was struggling with boundary issues which made their problems worse.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is any limit you set to protect your sense of safety in a relationship and wellbeing. Healthy boundaries have two parts. There are external limits you set with others to feel safe and respected. There are also internal limits. These boundaries are both the limits you set on yourself to be a safe, respectful person to others as well as to yourself.
Healthy boundaries are consistent. They are like a fence around your house. There are bottom line things that just won’t work for you. These are your non-negotiable needs and being clear on these is essential for healthy relationships as well as mental health. A example of this is not allowing other people to yell at you.
At the same time, healthy boundaries are flexible. We say “no” where we must, but we can make exceptions when we feel generous, or it aligns with our values. You may choose, for example, to not loan other people money as a rule. However, lets say a friend is crowdfunding for her pet that needs surgery and you’re an animal lover, you may choose to say “yes” if you want without compromising yourself or the relationship.
Related: My boyfriend yells at me but then apologizes. What should I do?
How do I know if I have unhealthy boundaries?
Boundary issues impact every aspect of our lives. They impact our relationships both with others and ourselves. They impact our ability to communicate effectively. But they also impact our self-care and sense of self-worth. They also impact our mental health and wellbeing. Without healthy boundaries, it’s common to feel anxious, confused, overwhelmed, and depressed.
On the surface, there are many issues that don’t seem related to boundaries even while they are. Common ways boundary issues show up in people’s lives include:
- Being a chameleon in your relationships
- Trying to keep the people in your life happy all the time
- Not knowing what you want or need
- Avoiding telling other people what you feel, think, or need
- Believing you are a “burden” if you make requests of others or say “no”
- Having a sense that you have lost yourself or never knew who you were to begin with
- Not being able to stick to a self-care routine
- Expecting other people to read your mind (or believing that you know what others are thinking or feeling without speaking to them)
- Feeling overwhelmed by other people’s feelings or problems (there is a difference between caring for other people’s concerns and carrying them)
Related: The meaning of “codependency” and how to find healing
Is it selfish to have boundaries?
It is common to feel like setting boundaries is mean or selfish. After all, a lot of us were raised to believe that we needed to be good, nice, and polite to others at all times. This meant that many of us, on some level, learned we needed to not be angry and keep the peace with others no matter how much it hurts or drains us personally.
Despite what many of us have learned, establishing healthy boundaries is one of the most loving things even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable. They allow you to have a truly intimate relationship based on mutual respect and understanding. This is true intimacy, and it allows you to connect with others from a place of empowerment. From this place, you get to feel safe and secure while also ensuring the people in your life feel this way too.
They know, when you have healthy boundaries, that you speak with integrity. The people in your life know that if you say “yes” to them it’s from a spirit of generosity and availability. They also know that if you say “no” it’s because you respect them too much to later resent them for your poor boundaries. After all, when people don’t set boundaries because it feels mean or selfish the only eventual consequence is to resent this person and have this come up directly in a fight or passively aggressively!
Boundary setting is hard
While the value of healthy boundaries may be immediately clear, it can be very difficult to implement healthy boundaries. This is because the process of having healthy boundaries involves numerous skills. We need to be self-aware. Self-compassion must be practiced. We must be able to manage our emotions like anger, frustration, guilt, or anxiety effectively. We also need to have effective communication skills.
Getting the support you deserve
- I wrote my book, Setting Boundaries: 100 Ways to Protect Yourself, Strengthen Your Relationships and Build the Life You Want….Starting Now! to provide an affordable guide to practice setting boundaries with 100 different (and simple) excercises.
2. You may also choose to download the worksheet to set boundaries I created here:
3. Finally, subscribing to my YouTube is a great way to ensure you receive new videos from time to time on boundary setting such as this one:
About The Author
Krystal Mazzola Wood, LMFT is a practicing relationship therapist with over a decade of experience. Currently, Krystal sees clients at her private practice, The Healthy Relationship Foundation. She has dedicated her entire career to empowering people to heal from unhealthy relationship processes. She does this by teaching the skills and tools necessary to have a life filled with healthy and loving relationships.
This passion led her to write her best-selling books and create courses. Her books, The Codependency Recovery Plan: A 5-Step Guide to Understand, Accept, and Break Free from the Codependent Cycle and The Codependency Workbook: Simple Practices for Developing and Maintaining Your Independence have helped many people heal.
Her third book, Therapy Within Reach: Setting Boundaries, will be released September, 2023.
If you have any personal dating or relationship questions, Krystal is happy to provide advice using her expertise and compassion. If you feel comfortable, feel free to leave any questions in the comments of this post. Otherwise, you may send an email to krystal@confidentlyauthentic.com or DM her on Instagram. Your name and any other identifying information will always be kept confidential.
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