My problem is that my boyfriend of a couple of years yells at me but he always apologizes after.
We don’t know how to communicate. When we disagree about something, he’s quick to get defensive and yell. Sometimes, he calls me names. When this happens, I try to calm him down at first but then I snap. I start yelling too. Obviously I know that’s a problem but I don’t know what else to do.
After we fight, he always apologizes for losing his temper and so do I. Usually, I get over our fights quickly and we have a lot of fun together. But we have started discussing marriage and I don’t want to spend our lives like this. My parents fought all the time when I was growing up and I promised myself I’d never do that to my kids. I’ve tried to talk to him about this but he just apologizes over and over again. He’ll be better for a bit but after a couple weeks, he yells at me again. I love him so much and don’t want to break up. How can I get him to change?
-Hopeful and determined girlfriend
Breaking the Cycle of Yelling and Apologies
Dear Hopeful and Determined Girlfriend,
Thank you for reaching out for support. It’s clear that you care deeply about your relationship, and your desire to resolve these issues before getting married shows real insight and strength. I truly appreciate your hope and determination to build a healthier future.
From what you shared, it sounds like your relationship brings you a lot of joy—but the fights are intense, painful, and leave you feeling stuck in a cycle. This is understandably confusing, especially when your boyfriend apologizes afterward. However, as you’ve likely started to realize, apologies alone aren’t enough to create lasting change.
Is Your Boyfriend a Safe Person?
We all make mistakes—it’s part of being human. But what sets safe partners apart is how they respond to their mistakes. Safe people take genuine accountability, not just by saying “I’m sorry,” but by committing to real, lasting changes in their behavior.
These changes include going to therapy or anger management if they need extra support learning how to be kind when they’re angry.
Genuine accountability is more than an apology; it’s taking conscious steps to truly change this pattern. For example, if your boyfriend says he’s “sorry” but isn’t willing to work on coping better with his anger or communicating with clarity and kindness than he’s not truly taking accountability.
Why You Can’t Just “Move On” After a Fight
It’s completely normal to want to move past a fight quickly, especially when the good times are so fun. But moving on too fast can actually cause deeper issues—by sweeping problems under the rug, resentment builds, and the cycle continues. Real healing requires addressing the underlying issues, not just recovering from each blowup.
You’ve already tried talking to him, which shows courage and emotional maturity. But the fact that this pattern keeps repeating—even after apologies—means something deeper needs to shift. And it’s important to be honest about this: yelling and name-calling, are signs of contempt. This is when one partner acts superior to the other. Research shows that contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce and breakups. While some happy couples argue loudly, healthy relationships never include contempt.
This may sound scary, but naming what’s really happening is crucial if you want to stop it.
Interrupting the Cycle
It sounds like both of you struggle with self-soothing during conflict—which is very common. Of course, you cannot control how your boyfriend chooses to soothe his emotions or not. But you can interrupt the cycle by not yelling yourself.
When we feel attacked or overwhelmed, we go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. In that state, the part of our brain that makes wise decisions—the prefrontal cortex—basically shuts down, and we’re left reacting from pure emotion. It’s from this place that we find ourselves yelling.
That’s why calming your nervous system is so important. One of the most effective ways to do this is through deep breathing. If you’ve tried it before and didn’t find it helpful, please know that deep breathing is a skill—it takes practice. Try practicing this when you’re not upset. Then the next time you’re arguing, take a deep breath and take a break instead of yelling.
Here’s a video that teaches effective breathing techniques:
The Role of Boundaries
You’ve told your boyfriend that yelling and name-calling hurt you. Yet, despite his apologies, the behavior returns. This shows a lack of genuine accountability.
An apology is only meaningful if it’s followed by changed behavior.
This is where boundaries come in. Boundaries aren’t ultimatums—they’re clear statements of what you will and won’t accept, paired with consequences. You likely experienced this as a kid: “Do your homework, then you can hang out with friends.” Clear limit, clear outcome.
3 Simple Steps for Boundary Setting
To break this cycle, it’s time to fully set boundaries. You do this in three simple steps:
- Identify what you need:
Start by asking yourself:
- What can I live with long-term in this relationship?
- What can’t I live with—especially if I imagine raising children in this environment?
2. Clearly communicate by simply and factually identifying the situation and your boundary. You can thank them for listening too.
If yelling and name-calling are non-negotiables for you (which is completely valid), that needs to be clearly communicated, along with consequences. For example:
- “If you yell or call me names again, I will walk away from the conversation.”
- “If this happens again, I’ll need us to attend couples therapy—or I will reconsider this relationship.”
3. Evaluate if you’re boundary is being respected or not
If your boyfriend respects your need to not be yelled at moving forward great, he’s safe!
Otherwise, if he continues to yell at you, he’s showing you that he’s not safe for you at this point. You must then follow through on identifying your next limit this could include going to couples therapy, taking a break, or ending the relationship.
Boundaries are Meaningless without Consequences
If someone violates your boundaries, you must have consequences in place for this. This means you identify what’s your next limit. For instance, “You yelled at me again. I need you to attend couple’s therapy for me to feel comfortable continuing this relationship.”
This could also mean taking a break or ending the relationship. But to truly break cycles that hurt you, you must be willing to respect your own boundaries. This means enforcing the consequences you set i.e., walking away each and every time he yells at you.
If you don’t respect your own boundaries, you send your boyfriend the message he doesn’t have to respect them either!
You’re Not Asking Too Much
Wanting a peaceful, respectful relationship is not too much. In fact, it’s essential for a healthy marriage and family life. If your boyfriend is truly committed, he will take steps to change—not just offer temporary apologies. That includes possibly seeking therapy to learn how to manage anger and communicate more clearly.
If He Won’t Change…
If he continues this pattern despite your clear boundaries, please know this: you have done nothing wrong. Love is not enough if there is no willingness to change.
If he chooses not to do the work, then as painful as it may be, ask yourself:
- Do I want to spend the rest of my life being yelled at and called names?
- Do I want my future children (or my inner child) to grow up in a home like the one I did?
If your answer is no, then you are allowed to walk away—and there are emotionally safe partners out there who will respect you and cherish the peace you want to build in your life. For extra support, you may want to read, “How to Get Over Someone You Love – But is Toxic: 5 Steps to Heal.”
In Closing
Setting boundaries can feel terrifying—but the only people you’ll lose by doing so are those who are unsafe for you. You deserve safety, respect, and peace in your relationship. I’m sending you so much love and support as you stand up for yourself. And I’m truly hoping your boyfriend chooses to take real accountability and grow with you.
With compassion,
Krystal
At Confidently Authentic, we are committed to genuine human connection. These articles are always written by a human being.
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