Self sabotage behavior in relationships may manifest in various ways. In this article, you will identify different types of self-sabotaging behavior in relationships. You will also explore how to stop any sabotaging behaviors you may sometimes act on.
Self-Sabotage Behaviors in Relationships
In relationships, self-sabotage behavior most basically is when you get in your own way preventing you from having what you actually desire.
While there are many nuanced ways this behavior may appear here are common examples of self-sabotage in relationships:
- Being happy or excited about a relationship but then convincing yourself something is “wrong” and then picking a fight with them,
- Finding reasons to pull away from a partner such as work or school being too busy right now or family needing you,
- Telling people too much or acting without boundaries believing they should completely accept you at your worst to have you at your best,
- Wanting to have a relationship but avoiding dating opportunities,
- Believing someone is too good to be true and so you end the relationship before they reject or disappoint you,
- Ghosting someone because you think it’s inevitable the relationship will end or you don’t know how to communicate basic feelings such as fear or your needs,
- Liking someone yet on a date find yourself letting it “slip” that you’re seeing other people and you’re not sure yet about what you want,
- Cheating on someone you care about,
- Being in an on-again, off-again relationship,
- Fixating on a partner’s (or potential partner’s) flaws and criticizing their looks, job, lifestyle, etc. for things you know deep down don’t really matter to you,
- Getting drunk or abusing drugs the night before a date you’re excited about, or
- Wanting a meaningful, committed relationship but settling for something casual
Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships Makes Sense
If you relate to any of the self-sabotaging behaviors, you may feel embarrassed or judgmental of yourself right now. However, please know that any and all self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships (or in general), make sense. You act on these behaviors for a reason.
Somewhere along the way, you learned that you cannot trust others and/or yourself. Therefore, pushing away partners (or potential partners) feels safer.
You Must Be Kind to Yourself to Change
The first step to changing these self-sabotaging behaviors is to practice self-compassion. You must give yourself grace that while these sabotaging behaviors ultimately hurt you that you do them for understandable reasons.
Take a moment to consider why you may find it safer to push others away – or settle for less than you want. Some reasons why this may be true for you include:
- A part of you may think that it’s inevitable you will be rejected if you really like someone because your self-esteem was injured growing up,
- You were cheated on in the past and so you don’t trust, deep down, that a relationship can work out or you’re too scared to risk that pain again,
- You want to protect yourself because a past relationship was abusive,
- Growing up, you learned that relationships are filled with obligation or a ton of work. For example, maybe you had a parent who suffocated you with their demands or health needs and you’re afraid of this happening again,
- A past break-up or divorce felt devastating and a part of you is terrified to go through that again, or
- Struggling with self-love or poor self-esteem due to trauma in your past.
Now validate that you understand that you have sabotaged yourself in the past for a reason and you can change.
You Can Stop Sabotaging Yourself
Now that you’ve validated yourself, it’s important to stay mindful of the fact you do self-sabotage at times to help interrupt this behavior pattern. You must own this truth to change it.
Learning to notice your thoughts and urges and then making new choices for your behaviors is a fundamental component of both Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy – and you can do this for yourself.
The Three Parts of Stopping Self-Sabotaging Behavior
There are three major components to no longer self-sabotaging. These are:
- You will want to practice mindfulness i.e., I notice that I want to go out and flirt/maybe hookup with someone new even though I really like the person I’m dating right now.
- Getting clear on what really matters to you such as your non-negotiable needs to stop pushing people away for superficial reasons.
- You will also need to address the underlying reasons for the sabotaging behavior such as low self-esteem, trauma, and/or avoidant attachment.
Admittedly, the last step takes more time and effort than the first but it’s completely possible – and completely worth it.
You Can Interrupt the Urge to Self-Sabotage Your Relationships
Mindfulness is the practice of turning your full attention to the present moment. If you, for instance, focus on your breath including the sensations of inhaling and exhaling you are practicing mindfulness. When your mind wanders, which it will, you simply return your attention to your breath (or anything else occurring in the present moment) to be mindful.
With this practice, you will learn to pay more attention to your urges to self-sabotage before you act on them. Then, when you’re more aware, you can make conscious choices in your relationships rather than automatically sabotaging yourself.
Getting Clear on What You Want
When you’re uncertain, or ambivalent, about what you want it’s hard to have the type of relationship which will bring you joy. When you don’t know what you want – or aren’t honest about these desires – it’s easy to settle for things which don’t bring you joy or even hurt you. If you aren’t honest, for instance, that you value commitment, it’s hard to find a truly meaningful relationship.
On the other hand, if you’re overly picky, it’s important to get clear on your non-negotiable needs to ensure you aren’t pushing away or rejecting potential partners that may bring you long-term joy. For example, someone may meet all your non-negotiables but not be your usual type. Knowing your non-negotiables helps you stay in the relationship by staying focused on what really makes you happy.
You Can Heal the Parts of You Which are Insecure or Afraid
The workbook, The Toxic Relationship Recovery Workbook: Understand and Heal Attachment Wounds, Reclaim Your Confidence, and Build the Healthy Relationships You Deserve, supports you in healing your attachment style. This workbook helps you effectively take care of the scared or hurting parts of you.
This website has a robust resource library as well. Going through these articles, and implementing these skills, provides you access to free expert advice (from a relationship therapist with over 15 years of clinical experience and the author of 4 books on cultivating healthy relationships).
And if you’ve already done lots of personal work such as reading the books, going to therapy, and going to retreats, and you’re ready to finally break free from toxic patterns in general in your life, I have an intensive 6-month coaching program, The Secure Attachment Roadmap.
You Deserve the Relationship You Want
As you address your own attachment style, you stop self-sabotaging in baby steps.
Every time you interrupt a self-sabotaging urge rather than acting on it – you have been successful! It’s all about progress not perfection but in time, you will look back with relief and surprise over how you used to get in your own way as you will have become your own best support and advocate. You got this!
Note: Some book links on this site may be affiliate links. I only share books I genuinely reference and find valuable for understanding and integrating healing concepts.
At Confidently Authentic, we are committed to genuine human connection. These articles are always written by a human being.
