Learning to master your self-talk with simple techniques is one of the most powerful ways to transform your life.
In this article, you will focus on learning unique self talk approaches to manage the inner critic.
Self-Talk and Trauma
Your self-talk impacts how you see yourself, your loved ones, people in general and life. It’s often impacted by trauma as well. For instance, you may believe that “no one likes me” based on social rejection growing up. Therefore, addressing underlying trauma is helpful in improving self-talk in addition the the techniques you will learn next.
Related: Can You Heal Trauma on Your Own? 4 Clear Steps to Heal
Helpful tools to resolve trauma include EMDR, attachment therapy, energy healing like reiki, and inner child meditations.
Outside of addressing trauma there are also other tools to learn.
Self-Talk Technique #1: Accept that Self-Talk isn’t All or Nothing
Sometimes, there can be a confusing disconnect between your ideas about yourself, your sense of self-worth and your inner dialogue.
A common example is that you may automatically say yes if someone asked you, “Do you feel worthy of love? Of money? Of kind attention?” But then at the same time, you may have an inner critic that attacks you.
This disconnect may add stress because it’s so confusing. However, commonly a person’s relationship with themselves is dialectical rather than all or nothing. Dialectical means that one or more things that seem like opposites are true at the same time.
This means that both things are true: Sometimes you feel worthy and others times you feel unworthy, unlovable or like a fraud to give a few examples. This is ok.
Self-Talk Technique #2: Don’t Debate Your Inner Critic
To change your self-talk your must stop debating yourself. It’s OK even though it’s uncomfortable to have thoughts of self-loathing, shame, embarrassment arise. It’s part of being human and trauma complicates this as stated before.
Allow yourself to hear what you’re saying about yourself fully rather than jumping to hide it or debate it. For instance, while affirmations are powerful self-talk tools, sometimes trying to debate your inner critic just is exhausting! There are many people – maybe yourself included – who feel even worse about themselves when affirmations “don’t work.”
But in part, this may be because what we resist, persists. If you don’t allow yourself to hear your inner critic and feel the discomfort, you can’t actually get at its source. It’s like you’re pruning a weed with miles of roots underneath – it’s going to keep growing with this approach.
Self-Talk Technique #3: Practice Being Kind and Mindful
Becoming self-compassionate is a powerful antidote to the inner critic.
One aspect of being kind to yourself (self-compassion) is to simply be mindful of what is. Mindfulness means to be in the present moment without judgment. It’s the peaceful attitude of “it is what it is.”
It is what it is that you sometimes have negative self-talk and you can be kind to yourself by staying present with your experience. You don’t need to run or hide or feel guilty or ashamed for the inner critic.
You can look directly at the inner critic. Its words are uncomfortable but it’s won’t kill you.
Provide Loving Kindness Towards All of You Including All Your Thoughts
Ajahn Brahm in his book, Kindfulness provides a beautiful story to explain this idea:
In a palace, in a realm long ago, a demon walked in while the king was away. The demon was so ugly, he smelled so bad, and what he said was so disgusting, that the guards and other palace workers froze in horror. This allowed the demon to stride right through the outer rooms, into the royal audience hall, and then sit himself on the king’s throne. Seeing the demon on the king’s throne, the guards and the others came to their senses.
“Get out of here!” they shouted. “You don’t belong there! If you don’t move your butt right now, we’ll carve it out with our swords!”
At these few angry words, the demon grew a few inches bigger, his face grew uglier, the smell got worse, and his language became even more obscene.
Swords were brandished, daggers pulled out, threats made. At every angry word…that demon grew an inch bigger, more ugly in appearance, more smelly, and more foul in his language.
This confrontation had been going on for quite a while when the king returned. He saw on his own throne this gigantic demon. …The king was wise. That’s why he was king: he knew what to do.
“Welcome,” he said warmly, “Welcome to my palace. Has anyone gotten you anything to drink yet? or to eat?
At those few kind gestures, the demon grew a few inches smaller, less ugly, less smelly, and less offensive.
The palace personnel caught on very quickly. One asked the demon if he would like a cup of tea…Another phoned out for pizza….one soldier gave the demon a massage, “Mmmm! That was nice,” thought the demon.
At every kind word, deed, or thought, the demon…grows smaller, less ugly, and less offensive.
Before the pizza boy arrived…the demon had already shrunk to the size he was when he first sat on throne. But they never stopped being kind. Soon the demon was so small that he could hardly be seen. Then after one more act of kindness he vanished completely away.
Loving Kindness to Yourself is a Practice
It may sound strange to allow your inner critic to be and to sit with it lovingly. But so much effort is taken try to “fight” our critics and we never win. This approach of being mindful and kind to all of yourself is a strategy that truly works. You realize there’s nothing to fight therefore nothing grows from the force of your resistance.
There are many meditations available to help you develop a loving kindness practice which research shows is transformative at healing self-talk. Here are a few recommendations:
- Guided Loving Kindness Meditation,
- 10 Minute Meditation for Loving Kindness, and
- Guided Meditation for Giving & Receiving Loving Kindness (Happiness, Abundance & Healing)
Also, the book Kindfulness which was quoted above is a lovely little book to read about these concepts. It’s highly recommended you read this book if you truly want to overcome a sense of being trapped by your inner critic!
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About The Author
Krystal Mazzola Wood, LMFT is a practicing relationship therapist and author with over a decade of experience. Currently, Krystal sees clients at her private practice, The Healthy Relationship Foundation. She has dedicated her entire career to empowering people to find their voice, deepen their ability to self-love, and improve their relationships.
Her newest book, Setting Boundaries: 100 Ways to Protect Yourself, Strengthen Your Relationships and Build the Life You Want…Starting Now! (Therapy Within Reach), gives you the tools necessary to identify, set, and stay firm with your boundaries.
Her other books, The Codependency Recovery Plan: A 5-Step Guide to Understand, Accept, and Break Free from the Codependent Cycle and The Codependency Workbook: Simple Practices for Developing and Maintaining Your Independence have helped many overcome people pleasing, self-neglect, and resentment to have a healthier relationship with themselves and others.
If you have any personal dating or relationship questions, Krystal is happy to provide advice using her expertise and compassion. If you feel comfortable, feel free to leave any questions in the comments of this post. Otherwise, you may send an email to krystal@confidentlyauthentic.com or DM her on Instagram. We will always keep your name and other identifying information confidential.
