Tired of asking your partner to change? You’ve likely told them what you need – over and over again.
Maybe you’ve tried the therapy techniques. Or you’ve broken down in tears. Or maybe you’ve even gotten loud and said things you regret.
And maybe your partner promised to change which made you hopeful at first. Yet, any changes your partner makes, if they make any at all, are just short-lived.
Q: Why Do I Want My Partner to Change?
To see genuine change in your relationship, you must first ask yourself this essential question: Why do I want my partner to change?
Likely, the reason you want your partner to change is to “feel better” or “happier” or “more connected.” And yet, how often have you felt like the only way you can be happier in this relationship is if you get your partner to change?
As a couple’s therapist, this fixation on what your partner is doing rather than yourself is one of the biggest barriers to a healthy, happy relationship that I see.
This external focus to find happiness is the root of codependency as well.
Codependency is defined as the process in which your lens of the world is primarily external rather than internal. This process leaves you feeling depressed, anxious, and unsettled anytime things outside of you are different than what you’d prefer.
There are many symptoms of codependency but a key symptom is the pattern of trying to control others – and fixating on this as the solution that’s needed so you can finally “feel better.”
The most important question is to ask yourself why you want them to change. This is to help you clarify your own needs.
How Do I Tell the Difference Between a Flaw I Should Live With and a Dealbreaker?
A lot of what drives people to couple’s therapy is rooted in this question: Is what I don’t like about my partner something I can live with? Or is this quality or behavior in my partner rooted in one of my non-negotiables?
In Setting Boundaries: 100 Ways to Protect Yourself, Strengthen Your Relationships, and Build the Life You Want…Starting Now! I explain:
Only you can know what you can’t compromise in a relationship. Release any judgment around what you “should” value and instead consider – what are the things that ended past close relationships? This is a clue to what you need, such as honesty or commitment.
In Setting Boundaries, you are further supported with an exercise to clarify your non-negotiable limits in your relationships.
If It’s Not a Dealbreaker, than It’s a Preference
Our non-negotiables are 3-6 things we need in a relationship to feel safe, respected, and true to our life dreams. Anything more than this can act like a wall towards others.
This is because all people are flawed. And all relationships have problems. Research shows that 69% of all problems in a relationship are “unsolvable.” This means that the vast majority of your problems will never be solved. Instead you can only get better at communicating and compromising around these issues.
Some of these unsolvable problems we can live with because we’d just prefer our partner was different. An example of this type of “unsolvable” problem I have seen as a couples therapist is this:
Geoff and Leandra came to therapy because they felt “disconnected.” Leandra shared she was tired of not feeling like a priority to Geoff. On the other hand, Geoff shared he was tired of being nagged to spend time with Leandra or do chores. Neither wanted to leave the relationship but both were unhappy. During couples therapy, the couple discussed how during basketball season, Leandra feels like Geoff disappears. He is so caught up spending time with friends watching games – or tracking his fantasy basketball leagues that Leandra feels single.
Geoff shared that this was something he looked forward to all year and didn’t want to compromise on his basketball watching. However, he agreed that it wasn’t fair how checked out he could be. He shared that he could plan a getaway for the couple before – and after – the basketball season if even for a weekend to reconnect. He also shared that he needed to be more helpful with cooking and cleaning even during basketball season. Leandra felt relieved he acknowledged how he disappears. She didn’t need him to give up his basketball season – but she did need him to be more aware and present.
In this example, the couple had different preferences. Through open, and honest, communication, they were able to come up with a compromise that worked for them both.
Other Times, You’re Partner is Violating Your Non-Negotiable Limits and Needs
Other times though, your partner acts in a way that you cannot in all honesty live with and be genuinely satisfied.
For example, maybe you have a partner who flies off the handle yelling at you or calls you names when they’re angry. Or maybe you have a partner who never listens to you. Or maybe your partner will make promises they later break.
When your partner is behaving in a way that violates your non-negotiables, it’s natural to keep repeating yourself to your partner. It’s natural to think if you find the “right, magic” words then your partner will suddenly be safer for you.
One of the biggest traps I see in codependency alongside control issues are perfectionism tied to one’s sense of self-worth. Often, a person believes if they find the perfect words, then they can get their partner to change. And if they can’t get their partner to change, then it’s simply because they’re not good or perfect enough yet. They often feel they have to prove themselves to others.
Here’s a case study illustrating this idea:
Jacklyn and Fernando have been married for a few years. Fernando always says he’ll stop drinking after he has nights where he’s blackout drunk and says very scary and hurtful things to Jacklyn. Yet after a few months of sobriety, he treats himself for good behavior with a drink. Within a few weeks, he’s back to drinking to the point of scaring Jacklyn.
Jacklyn says she can’t live like this so she fixates on how to get Fernando to understand he needs to stop drinking for good. She sometimes wonders too if Fernando would stop if he just loved her more.
You Actually Can’t Make Your Partner Understand You or Change….If They’re Not Receptive
One of the biggest things I see as a therapist that keeps people stuck for years in painful relationship cycles is this: Bargaining with inconvenient truths.
For example, in my last toxic relationship, I knew the guy I was dating didn’t want a serious commitment. He told me from the very first date. But instead of honoring my deep non-negotiable for commitment, I bargained with this.
Because I liked him, I kept trying for years to get him to change his mind. But it never worked because this man never wanted commitment. I couldn’t change his mind. He had that right too by the way to not want commitment. And it was very disrespectful to both of us honestly that I kept trying to change his mind for years.
Eventually, I had to accept reality. Even though I didn’t want to leave him, I did because ultimately my dream for commitment was too real for me to compromise on any longer.
This made space for me to date in a new way when I was ready. I never again denied my need for commitment. And within 6 months of dating in this way, I met my amazing, loving, and committed husband.
What Can I Say to Make My Partner Understand They Need to Change?
Short answer: There is nothing you can say. You cannot force or convince another person to change; change occurs only when an individual possesses their own internal motivation and readiness.
Rather to stop suffering so much in this relationship, you need to accept what is true. This is what is real despite words. Actions always matter more than words for a healthy relationship.
Instead, you must connect with what you can and cannot compromise on. And if you can compromise on something, it’s time to love your partner more unconditionally. And if you can’t compromise on something, it’s time to love yourself more unconditionally.
You Choose Your Own Happiness
To recover from codependency, you have to stop thinking that your happiness is dependent on others’ changing.
There are things you will have to change to be happier in this relationship:
- Sometimes you need to change your relationship with your partner’s qualities or behaviors. If it’s a preference, it’s an invitation to stop asking your partner to change and rather instead practice loving them more unconditionally.
- Other times, you need to change by accepting the reality that your partner isn’t internally motivated to change and this has nothing to do with their worth and value.
To illustrate this idea, please consider this story:
Often we take the human equivalent of a raven and put him or her in a box, criticizing them daily for not being a hummingbird. Each morning, we rush back to the box only to feel disappointed to see the raven has not changed. We criticize them again in the hopes they will be a hummingbird.
And worse, in codependency, we often equate the raven not turning into a hummingbird on some personal failure. After all, self-worth issues and perfectionism are also common in codependency. So the person will decide they have to be a better hummingbird creator and beat themselves up for the raven existing as it is.
Take the Next Step Towards Your Own Happiness
If you are ready to break free from these exhausting cycles, clarify your non-negotiables, and find peace, grab a copy of my book:
Note: Some book links on this site may be affiliate links. I only share books I genuinely reference and find valuable for understanding and integrating healing concepts.
At Confidently Authentic, we are committed to genuine human connection. These articles are always written by a human being.
