Why Do I Feel Guilty Putting Myself First? The Simple Answer & How to Cope

If you wonder, “Why do I feel guilty putting myself first?,” you will receive clear answers in this article.

You will also receive 3 simple coping skills to help you manage this guilt well.

Why Do I Feel Guilty Putting Myself First?

Very simply, you probably feel guilty putting yourself first because you learned somewhere that if you do then you are “bad.”

Most likely, you feel guilty about putting yourself first for two basic things:

• Self-Care
• Setting healthy boundaries

Deep down, you know you “should” be taking better care of yourself. But you don’t because a part of you is afraid that you will be rejected by others if you take care of yourself.

The Fear of Letting Others Down

You feel guilty, most likely, because a part of you learned that putting yourself first – or considering your needs at all – is “selfish.”

Your guilt about putting yourself first is most likely the result of social conditioning that tells you that others won’t like you if you’re “selfish.”

The Weight of the World on Your Shoulders

You may be afraid of being “selfish” so you self-sacrifice and people-please for acceptance.

You may also be afraid of taking care of yourself out of the fear everything will fall apart if you take a break. You may feel like “the buck stops” with you. You may be afraid if you relax a little bit and take care of yourself, then your company or household will break down.

If this is you, this is a sign that you need support. Yet unfortunately many people with this sense of total responsibility, hate asking for help. After all, this may trigger feelings of guilt because by asking for help you are both being vulnerable and “putting yourself first.”

You Can’t Force Yourself to Not Feel Guilty

Whatever the cause of your feelings of guilt, you cannot talk yourself out of them. When you try to “convince” yourself not to feel something, you likely only feel more ashamed or overwhelmed because this feeling lingers. Or you may suppress the feeling and try to ignore it but it gnaws at you and informs your decisions.

The guilt over taking care of yourself that you don’t let yourself feel doesn’t go away. Instead, it will rule your life even if logically you know that it’s not good to not take care of yourself.

Letting Yourself Feel Guilty

There are many emotions and emotional urges you’ve had you didn’t act on in your life because they were destructive. For example, maybe you’ve had the urge to tell someone off but didn’t because you didn’t want to hurt the relationship.

You can feel emotions and not act on them in ways that hurt you and others.

Emotional maturity stems from knowing which emotions to act on and which ones to overcome. You are able to discern this by letting yourself literally feel any emotion that arises physically.

Therapy Skill for Coping with Guilt #1: Let Yourself Feel Guilty

To let yourself feel your guilt, it’s helpful to use the Dialectical Behavior Therapy skill called “Ride the Wave.”

The Ride the Wave skill has 4 parts:

1. Welcome the emotion – create space to let yourself literally feel the emotion and it’s sensations,
2. Attend – notice the sensations without getting caught up in the stories about what it means to feel this way,
3. Validate – honor that it is understandable you feel this way given your history and life experiences, and
4. Exhale – Release the energy of this emotion stored up in your body – like a wave – with your breath

By the way, just your commitment to Ride the Wave of your guilt (or other emotions) is self-soothing. This is literally the practice of putting yourself first in action! You put down your obligations and worries about others for a moment to attend to yourself.

Therapy Skill #2 for Coping with Guilt: Challenge Self-Neglect

While your guilt about prioritizing yourself is understandable, you also know that it is holding you back. To bring home this point, ask yourself, “If I continue to deprioritize myself what will my life, my relationships and my health be like in 5 or 10 years?”

You likely know the consequences of this continued self-neglect will be ongoing stress, burnout, potential health issues, disconnection from your authentic purpose, and struggling relationships due to resentment.

All emotions have a corresponding urge and your guilt about prioritizing yourself encourages you to ignore your needs.

To cope well with your guilt about taking care of yourself, it’s important to act opposite to your urge to self-neglect.

Honor Your Needs Even Though You Feel Guilty

You probably will feel guilty when you prioritize yourself at least for awhile. You’re confronting years of social conditioning that tells you it’s “lazy,” “bad” or “selfish,” to take care of you.

Yet you can cope well with your guilt by acknowledging the emotion when it arises and validating it. At this point, you can challenge your thinking that things will fail or you will suffer if you prioritize yourself. Remind yourself of the natural consequences of living imprisoned by your guilt around self-care.

Then choose to courageously cope with your guilt by feeling it and taking care of yourself anyway. This is the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) therapy skill, Opposite Action, in practice.

Therapy Skill #3: Set Boundaries on Yourself

To cope well with the guilt you feel taking care of you, you must set boundaries with yourself. Internal limits are the boundaries you set on yourself to be a safe person for you.

To help, you can imagine that you must be a healthy, loving parent guiding their child to what’s healthy and right. To cope well with this guilt that prevents you from thriving, you must hold yourself accountable to using your coping skills of Ride the Wave and Opposite Action.

A healthy and happy life filled with meaningful work and intimate relationships is the outcome of consistently holding yourself accountable to the actions that nourish you. These actions include setting limits on yourself, setting boundaries with others, practicing consistent self-care and soothing your emotions as needed.

You Can Manage Guilt Over Taking Care of Yourself Well

Managing guilt over taking care of yourself is a simple practice:

• Commit to letting yourself feel guilty (no need to shame yourself for it or talk yourself out of it),
• Validate it is understandable to feel guilty when you’ve learned that it’s “selfish” to prioritize yourself,
• Courageously show up for yourself even when you want to self-neglect, and
• Continue this practice by setting limits on yourself to stay committed and consistent with these skills

This practice is well worth it. Happiness, peace, self-respect and more harmonious relationships are on the other side of learning to cope well with your guilt!

For more support in the practice of taking care of yourself through self-care and healthy boundaries please check out the following resources:

• Setting Boundaries: 100 Ways to Protect Yourself, Strengthen Your Relationships, and Build the Life You Want…Starting Now!,
• Worksheet for Setting Effective Relationship Boundaries,
• Self-Care Guidelines: 4 Simple Ways to Commit to Self-Care,
• Is Self Care Important? 4 Reasons Why It Is, and
• Why Self-Care is Not Selfish

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